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I lost rm10 in the casino just now T_T wuwuwu. Hahahaha. Only one casino let me in! The rest told me to come back next week wtf.

Whoring in the living room.


Where I'm stuck at cause there's no wifi, only majorly slow connection that we sort of hacked into wtfwtf.

Boyfriend making us supper.

What to do with my fugly hairrrrr.

Definitely not this HAHAHAHAHA.

Switched sides hahahaha. FML la why my hair liddis.


Anyway, Panty bought me my Christmas gift just now. T_T

My left arm hurts I have no idea why, usually it's cause I do some sort of exercise wtf. I think it might be Sunway Lagoon the other day? From spinning the teacup that made Feifei a whiney pumpkin hahahaha.


No srsly.


That was such an energy consuming activity!


Anyway that night we played mahjong and poker, and I couldn't sleep until 10am?! All my upside down ness!


I hate my hair now T_T it's so half past nowhere!

Not short enough to be left as dolly bangs, not long enough to be 'demure ala my BB' hahahaa. Just half fricked.

I've been really meh about updating my blog because I really haven't been triggerific at all! Hahaha. Got lah but with other people's cameras and not my own T_T. *SHY.


I attended my school's 'ball' without my boyfriend : ( wuwuwu. Wasn't really very uppity about going. Cause it wasn't really a ball, and wasn't really a plain dinner, none of us really knew what it was?


It was just called the razzle dazzle christmas party and the dress code was dress to impress o.0.


I spent the last few moments before it deciding what the hell to wear with Beksy. I couldn't be anymore unprepared hahaha. It starts at 630 and at 6 I still had no idea which dress I was going to wear, my hair was a mess and I haven't done my makeup!


I narrowed it down to either a plain slightly casual dark blue dress or a hot pink dress that makes me look like a cake. One was going to make me way underdressed, and the other will strengthen everybody's claim that I am a pink freak T___T.

As I watch this space, my boyfriend is on a plane making his way back, traveling across timezones, and into my arms again, yadayada, cue sappy lovey music.


I mean, this is it. The day is finally here. It's what we've been counting down to. Is it going to be awkward? Do I still know my boyfriend like I used to?


It's really making me think about what we have been these 3 months.


Of course we've changed. He has a whole new chapter there that he had to experience, and I had to adapt to a whole new life without him. We both needed to.. grow up. And learn to live well without each other.


And along that journey of trying to grow up I think I slipped a bit. I couldn't find the balance I needed. I either nitpick and obsess about the relationship, or I put it aside on a bookshelf with those 23423498 other books I never read. I either cared a lot or I didn't care at all. I either depended on him too much or I didn't need him at all. I couldn't care just enough, and I couldn't care just right. I couldn't find the right level of dependency and commitment.


I was all over the place.


I spent my last 3 days drunk. Thursday night I was puking at 4play, the next day I had margaritas, that night I vomited at Rootz, Saturday afternoon I had beers, Saturday night we went bar hopping.


I'd be drunk talking nights in a row and ffking everything cause I was never home and couldn't get up the next morning. Or I'd be all up for staying up to watch dinky movies and long chats that last for hours.


Through it all Panty, being Panty, supported whatever I did. Couldn't make it? No problem we'd do it the next day. 5 hours on skype? No problem let's talk all night long.


But the thing is I never knew what I really want.


I keep swinging back and forth between these two extremes and it stressed the hell out of me and us.


I threw the biggest tantrum when he forgot to call me before he slept one day. And another when he answered me absent mindedly on skype. "If you are not going to pay full attention to me, then don't talk to me at all".


Who the hell was I turning into?!


Panty has asked me again and again why I am so desperate to look for a reason to break up. And to be honest, for a while, I was looking for a way out. I hated the thought of it and I hated how my boyfriend is never here and I hated how I depended on everyone else but him and I hated how if I had a problem at 5pm he'd be so sound asleep he wouldn't hear his phone. I hated how I had to always be committed to a stupid phone or laptop and never have anybody to do the simplest things with me. So every little dinky thing I could get angry at, you bet I'd have the biggest fit.


Do I love my boyfriend?


Of course I do. Many many oceans deep and many many mountains high. Through it all I've never loved him less. I just felt the lack of physical presence. After all if I had to learn to be so independent, why not go all the way and not need him at all? Anything I hated about ldr I took it out on him.


But it comes to the point where I ask myself if I actually see something in this? Because if I don't, then what am I holding onto?


I was going to wait it out. See how Panty treats me these couple of months.


But it sickened me. Is this what love's become?


Is this really what matters most? How somebody treats us? How somebody gives in to us and showers us with love? How somebody devotes their life to you? And without it then it's not worth the relationship?


I don't just love him because he's there for me all the time or because of the way he pampers me or even the way he loves me.


I'd admit I made that mistake in the beginning of our relationship. How well he treated me determined us. He was and still is the boy who showers me with plenty of love and affection and time and gifts and anything I'd ask for. But without all that would we still exist?If we wouldn't, then our relationship is sick to the core.


I need to love him because of the way he is. As a person. As this person who's irresponsible by nature but finds it in his heart to take such good care of the people who matters to him, who's hard headed but cares more for his family than anything in the world, who's loud and annoying but full of warmth to his friends, who enjoys his fun but never forgets the most basic necessities in life, who's not the most dorky person but works hard enough for school, who has the potential to be the biggest spoiled brat in the world but is only halfway there hahaha <3.


And as this person I've only grown to know and love more and more. I mean of course the rest of it matters. It was always so easy breezy when he was here. I got the boy who gave me the better of both worlds. I have him as the sappy sentimental person who'd shower me with the most romance. And I have him as someone I'm so comfortable with I could have nothing but laughs and be happy. If there was a third world I also have him as someone who'd feed me luxuries I never needed nor asked for.


But when he left it was a whole different world. To be honest I won't say it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Sure, it was hard, but we still talk daily, many times every day in fact, and we're still as much in touch with each other as we always were. My boyfriend had my back all the time. I could be running around the entire day but when I finally get to my computer I let out a sigh of relief and am happy I get to unwind with my boyfriend. Of course time difference is a bitch. But most of the time it's just a bitch, only once in a while it becomes a big bitch.


And then finally, about a month ago, I settled into this comfort zone I've been longing for since we dived headfirst into ldr. This place where I can actually be OKAY about ldr. Where I don't resent it. Where ldr is only a small part of this vast amount of love that I have.


Today, today, I'm glad we've finally settled down into a place I think the both of us are extremely comfortable with. I've learnt a lot about myself and about being a girlfriend through ldr. I don't think I've ever been made to think this much and be this clear and sure about something. About what I truly want. Before ldr it was easy to live day by day, just having someone you love who loves you by your side. Even if we fought you know at the end of the day you have someone to hold on to and fall asleep with. Ldr makes that 2340909432 times harder.


If it never got difficult for me and Panty, I don't know if I'd ever be so sure. And so in 6 hours my boyfriend will be coming home to me. And if there's anything ldr has taught me in these last 3 months, and it being clearer than ever tonight, it's that

730am. Should be sleeping. But I was dead 4 hours ago hahahaa.


Sleeping for an average of 4 hours for the past week or so is eating the whole of me!


Running errands, BB play days, squaretimes with my boys before they leave me for a good month, xoxo with my woman and feifei who're back, and Beksy Beksy.


Tonight I died at 3 hahahahaa. I think my non existent alcohol tolerance level has.. actually.. gone down?! Possible ah T_T fml.


But in the meantime,

Formalitiesssss:


I IS HAS A FREEDOMZ.


Didn't really kick in right after because all of us were way too depressed about our last paper haahahahaha. But it got better by nighttime!


After a bit of racing, a bit of atas orange tea and a bit of a 2 hour ride that should have only taken 15 minutes BKT.


And how come nobody told me that 2012 is the stupidest most ridiculous movie ever? T_T


Okay blur blogging because it's 6am, I'm hungry an hour after eating my lambchop and I need to geddup at 10am. Plennieee of errands to run! And obligations. And I'm still blur blogging. TAAA.

So this is.. bringing last minuteness to a whole new level!


Friday I took a break I really couldn't afford T_T. I don't know why I did that now. Shopping after class and buying things I don't need -_-, bubble tea break with my ksquare, and the last minuteness of velvet with my links!


I think I've just been avoiding investment because it's.. investment.


Woke up late on a Saturday, sorted out my notes and realised that I know absolutely nothing about investment. Haven't been to that many classes, and when I do go I'm normally sleeping because he's that boring, plus the fact that I have absolutely no talent in investment things, teeheehee I. am. screwed.


Woke up late today and contemplating suicide.


Haaahahaha no no but very stressed out lah.


Owells officially freaked out and going into my own world now. No talks no talks anymore. BYE!